Fear of Falling

Trillium and Phlox 

I've stumbled Father and it is hard to admit it. I've stumbled and it is hard to come back to the place I was before. Guilt stands in my way as I know I have done wrong. It eats at me and causes shame yet I know you want me to just repent and return to the path I was on. Admitting to you my lack is not my fear. It's the worry of letting you down over and over again but I know I must let my idea of doing anything in my own power go. For I know these things in my mind yet my heart is full of trepidation. It is having a hard time catching up with truth. My heart says one thing and my mind tries to convince it of another. Truth is truth and I can know truth but my Father must make it real in my heart. 

Failure, is an awful thing. It can take your joy and your vision. It can rob you of relationship if you let it and I have let it do that. 

Core function of your body happens even in a coma. If your mind shuts down and you cognitive functions are no longer, somehow your brain keeps telling you heart to beat and your lungs to breathe. You are not aware but you mind has an autopilot mode where it keeps you alive during traumatic injuries. It's like putting your car in neutral, the engine is running but you won't get anywhere. For me, stepping out and away from pursuing the Father daily, I went into neutral. Engine running and basic understandings still functioning but going no where. Active pursuit wasn't going on, I was just revving the engine sitting still. 

The thing for me is knowing the difference between being in neutral and being in gear. I know the difference and it eats at you when your not moving forward. However, it is tuff to maintain forward momentum when you don't fully rely on God to get you through. God is the fuel and the GPS system in our car analogy. We can't move, start the engine or have any functions without the fuel. Once the fuel is added, then we must have a direction to go in. Hence, God is the fuel and GPS. My car has been sitting in the garage for a few weeks now. I haven't even driven it, started the engine or had the desire to do so, yet I knew I had to push through and reestablish what I had.

I laid in the bed just a little while ago, with a battle going on in my mind. Roll over or go face my ineptitudes. That's the issue right there, is it not. Facing your problems head on instead of burying them. Problems tend to manifest into bigger issues if left unresolved. Instead of dealing with them, most people tend to avoid them which causes them to fester like a cancer. One day, that cancer consumes you and it takes a major surgery to remove it with God holding the knife. Daily maintenance of your body includes eating healthy, exercising, sleep and hydration. This keeps the body functioning correctly. Leave off just one and the body suffers. With God, there are the same type of daily functions that need to take place in order to maintain a healthy functioning relationship. Lately, I've been sitting on the couch eating potato chips, watching TV instead of the healthy way of living. Of course this is figurative. In reality, I am so busy that I don't have time to watch TV at all and there's my issue. Time. It is time spent doing other things and keeping busy to the point of not having enough spent with God. It's the

main issue I think we have when it comes with not having a relationship with Him. 

The pursuit of things that have to be done and want to be done outweigh the relationship that must be done. Because, without Him at the helm, there is no point of pursuing the other things. It becomes meaningless and pointless in the end if we gain all and lose Him. He is the whole point for being. He is the whole reason I am who I am. He stitched me together in my mother's womb. He has had a hand on me from day one. He pursued me, loves me and wants the best for me. Yet, we stumble and fall. We skin our knees and our ands from time to time. We are left with the scabs of our decisions until they completely heal, hoping a scar isn't left. He can heal our scars though and he can restore us to brand new. We just have to let Him.

Today, if you think you've fallen and can't get back up, believe me I have been there. Yet, when we fall, our eyes are looking at the ground instead of looking up to the outstretched hand waiting to pull us up. The shame of falling, the pain of the impact, the blame game in your mind, all keep us from looking up. We fell and we knew we fell. We hurt ourselves and we can't deal with it. I know. However, staying on the ground for fear of stumbling again only leaves you on the ground. Take His hand and He will teach and guide us so we won't stumble again. Take His hand and let Him dust you off and heal your wounds so you can start walking with Him again. 

For me, this is therapy. To write out what I'm thinking and conveying what I'm going through. I pray this helps someone realize there need for Him. I pray this helps someone to reach out to the hand that is waiting.

To God be the Glory!!