Feelings of Worth

Feelings of worth or better put, do I feel worth anything? It's hard when you've been nursing a sprained knee and a pulled back for a week and a half. Laying in bed or sitting on the couch has been my go to since it happened. Rest assured, I have been seeing a chiropractor and it's helped. However, today has been rough. I've felt pretty worthless in the grand scheme of things. I'm supposed to be getting our converted van ready for our big trip in October but with these issues, I physically can't. I can't stand for too long or walk too long either. Stuff around the house is being done by my wife. She's working and doing house work which makes me, again, feel pretty worthless. It has just hit me hard today. 

However, I have to remember one thing. Jesus died for me. He saw value in me. I remember the day when I finally felt the full weight of His love for me. Because, we can read about His love, we can hear about it, but until it is revealed to your heart, you don't fully understand it. Have you ever told someone a joke and they just don't get it. It takes them a minute to realize the joke but when they get it, their face lights up, a huge smile and often laughter follows. You can see it on their faces, they go from a puzzled look to a look of understanding in a split second. 

That's what it's like to be given understanding or revelation in your heart. Before you heard about it but now you truly get it. The experience is followed by, elation, overwhelming happiness and sometimes strong emotions. The day I understood how much God loved me, which happened a decade or more ago, I was driving to work and I was in the car by myself. I liked to pray or talk to God when I drove and it often was questions I had about scripture. I'd mull things over with Him basically. Well, I said out loud, He loves me, more as a reinforcing statement to myself but as I said it, I was completely enveloped with a strange warm feeling. It was like a hug and in my heart for the first time I felt Him say I love you. 

I repeated it over and over, He loves me, and the more I said it the more real it became.

I was quickly overwhelmed and I bawled like a child all the way to work. 

Back then I did feel worthless. I had seasons of depression that seemed to last too long. It was wrong to feel this way and be a Christian, I thought, yet there I was, until that day in the car.

Even today, when I feel useless, worthless, tired, and just plain blah, I think back to that day. You see, I have had childhood issues where I've felt abandoned and unloved. It really affected me up to that point because at that moment in the car, Jesus grabbed me, pulled me into His chest and said I love you! Not only I love you but you are worthy of my love. 

Let all that sink in. Can you honestly tell yourself you feel loved, you know without a shadow of a doubt you're loved by God. If not, pray He reveals it to you.

So, I'm here writing this, feeling two things, love and uselessness.Can they coexist? In a way yes.

I believe we are hard wired for two things, to be loved and to have a purpose. In a nutshell, we all want to be loved by someone and there's a lot of misguided ways to find it. However, love can only come from one source and that's God. I once heard a quote, you can't love others properly because we don't know what love is. We think we know but 99% of us cannot really grasp what pure, unmolested love is. Most of us get or give a form of love that comes with limits. You'll love only so far but as soon as that threshold is reached, no more love.

For example, in marriage, often times the threshold is infidelity. Once someone breaks their vow it's over, love is severed because in that scenario, love was always a tenuous condition equalized by meeting standards of practice between the couple. In other words, you do for me, I do for you. Once one of them stops meeting the others required acts of "love", the balance is upset. You see, most relationship are built on mutual satisfaction. You meet my needs, I'll meet your needs. If one stops meeting the other one's needs then anger fills their heart instead. 

Love, real Godly love, isn't contingent on how someone treats you or how much they reciprocate your love. Real love is never offended, and never ending.

In 1 Corinthians 13 we see that Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, not proud, dishonors no one, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no records of wrongs, does not delight in evil, rejoices with the truth and it always protects.

I don't think we can live up to these standards but we can receive them. The more we let God love us, the more we understand what love is. We can only give to others what we understand. 

So, now that I've gone off on a rabbit trail, let's get back to the worthiness we discussed. Can we really feel worth anything in the light of His love. Probably not and I think that's the point. His love is so bright, so perfect, He loves us whether or not we are worthy of it. We cannot dilute his love for us by any means. 

That's important for us to understand. No matter our input, His love never waivers. No matter if we feel like garbage or our lives are a complete disasters, it doesn't affect the fact that God loves us. 

Our only task is to come to a complete surrender of that fact. Only by accepting the fact of His unconditional love for you, will you truly find peace. 

Yes peace, the peace that passes all understanding. That peace! Because when you realize and accept His love for you, everyone and everything you've tried to get love from, pails in comparison. The search is over and His love can now flow through you into others.

So, on a bad day like I've had. I just have to remember one thing. He loves me! Simple, yet profoundly transformative. The problem is staying focused. Instead of trying to measure my worthiness by what I can contribute, I need to remember everything I just wrote. Hence the reason I write. To remind myself and maybe help others that read. So I'll sign off like this instead of my normal way so we can all remember. 

He loves you. He loves you. He deeply loves you!