I've had time to think but have I really thought or reflected? If I'm truthful, I'd have to say no. Life has a way of grabbing your attention and keeping it. From daily routines, to event prepping, to pop up issues, it's a daily grind that keeps your mind thinking about everything but what is important.
So what is important? Nurturing your relationship with God and others. With life getting first dibs for me here lately, I admit, my relationship has suffered. Not in a horrible way but suffered as not moving forward or maintaining. I've revealed a lot of things on these blogs and if you've read any of them, you know I've been on fire and I've been, especially lately, very nonchalant about God. I've been passionate and I've been over it.
Like all Christians, we go through cycles in our walk. We go from discovery, to elation, to confidence, to trials, defeat, depression, stagnation, then realization and repentance. Then the cycle starts over again, with a vow to never stray again, which sets the stage for failure and ultimately a repeat of the cycle. However, for those in tune enough with God's dealings, you know there's the potential for understanding, revelation and growth from each cycle. As we go through struggles, the chaos of you gets purged out and is replaced by the serenity of His Spirit. If we cycle enough, we eventually leave all of us behind.
We want results, we don't want the process. Trust me, no one likes the process. The Israelites didn't exactly jump for joy to walk in the wilderness for forty years. Moses didn't even know he was going through the process but God did. Do any of us like being changed in a fashion where it's uncomfortable or uncontrollable? I know I don't but the results are incredible, even though some of us don't realize there are results. That's when humility enters. Like Moses, we've been in the wilderness so long, our go get 'em attitude has been reduced to an I can't attitude. God humbles the proud and lifts the humble. Sound familiar?
God takes us in an extremely proud state, shows us His Son's sacrifice, humbles us and keeps humbling us to the point where we can no longer stand on our own. If we are lucky, we get pummeled to the point where we are completely convinced we have and are nothing without Him. Moses is our example. Given the opportunity by God to lead His people, Moses shyly declined. He went from, hold my beer, I got this, kind of attitude, to an I cannot attitude. That's what forty years did for him. What's forty for us done?
I'm a 22 year old Christian. Meaning, I surrendered at age 30 to Jesus, making me 52 and I've barely crossed the halfway point of forty and I'm very positive I have more wandering in the wilderness to go through.
We have an advantage though, we have forerunners like Moses to learn from.
Back to me, I've been walking in the wilderness for some time now. It's a state of mind where I know I tried too hard to succeed. Just as Moses did. Escaping to my wilderness, I've shut out the possibility of being capable of moving forward. Some call it being stagnant or stuck in a rut. For me it's a problem of feeling incapable of being a good son.
Let me elaborate. My idea of being a good son is this. Being completely surrendered to God in a way where none of my self is visible. Where there's no friction and I flow effortlessly in Him and Him in me. I know it sounds impossible but scripture lays this out. We are to be one with Him as Adam was in the Garden.
I believe it is attainable and there's the issue. I have become frustrated on how this process comes to fruition. I've swung and missed so many times that I don't even go to bat anymore. Is that the point though? Does God let us try and try and keep trying till we give up, only to then say we are ready. I have to say yes and if that's so, then I'm on the right path.
The path of, I cannot do this in my power, thought or understanding. We must become stripped of all notions of self confidence. Humility comes when we don't recognize ourselves as humble. We can say that we are confident in God alone but if we know God can work through us, is that humility? Moses was at the point where he thought not even God could work through him. Some say, believe God can and He will. I say get to a point where you doubt God can and then you may be ready to be used by Him.
We take our confidence and pride and weave it into God's capabilities and call it humility. God is not confused by this like other people can become. He knows our hearts and He knows that more failure, more trials, more personal issues lead to a true humble heart. One that says I can't.
In reflection of this fact, I'd say I've had my fair share of wandering but has it been enough or is there more to come? Not sure. Guess I'll just trust His process for me.
To God be the Glory
