The above photo is of the front of my business card. One more step to a professional photographer.
Trying to create something from nothing is quite intimidating. I for example, have no formal education when it comes to photography so I am trying to absorb as much information I can from articles, how to videos and from practical usage. However, when your life is throttled with a limited budget and you see these professionals using equipment that costs several hundreds of dollars, it's a bit discouraging. I have spent and am in debt to the new lens and camera that I just bought so until I get that paid off, I won't be able to buy anything else.
My issue is when I get a thought into my mind I want to follow through but in hindsight, when I try to do what I am thinking of without the proper tools, I get discouraged because the outcome is less than perfect. My idea and obsession now is doing a dramatic photo shoot for the owners of the gym I go to. I want the dramatic lighting and fog and when I research it all, strobes are used for the effect. All I have are 3 LED studio lights and I'm not sure if they will get me the same results. I've not tried because I don't want to fail.
There's the rub isn't it. The fear of failure to the point it paralyzes you from trying. I do have that issue, the cure however is elusive. Bear with me as we dive into my extensively long rabbit hole. So, if I am afraid of failure, what does failure produce in me. Let's see. I think I have a need to feel wanted or to feel like I am useful to others. Whether it's my wife, friends or family, I may quantify my relationships with my ability to be useful to them. Not sure if that's correct but let's keep going. I have had this thought before yet I know my worth in God's eyes is not by my works but by HIs love on the cross. Even though I know that about Him, people are different. My worth seems to come from my usefulness. That's why failure is so destructive to me because it not only defeats me but it defeats who I am in others eyes.
How many of you out there has this issue? I know I'm not the only one. I can't be the only person that fears failure. Fear of Failure, I guess that's my title for this blog. I guess it stems from the lack of connectiveness when I was younger. I know we all have had connectivity issues with others since COVID but as a child with ADD, I couldn't focus enough on one thing long enough to build relationships like others could. I can't remember 99% of my graduating class or who my teachers were or what I studied because most of the time my brain was on vacation constantly thinking of something else besides what was going on in that minute. As such, my ability to create relationships was hindered a bit. On top of that I was a latch key kid. I would come home to an empty house after school between 11y.o. and graduation. i fixed my own dinners and pretty much did what I wanted to as long as I stayed at home with the doors locked. As I entered high school me and my few friends would go places once we had a vehicle but I was alone more than I was near people.
The fear sets in when disappointment is on the line. I don't like to disappoint people. I like to be the one people call for help. Its not an ego thing, I think subconsciously it's a need to feel wanted. I never felt wanted growing up so the fear of failure is really the fear of disappointing others. Disappointing others creates a fear of abandonment. The same abandonment I felt as a pre-teen and teenager not seeing his parents much. I knew the abandonment issue was there and I thought I delt with that a long time ago as it reared its ugly head when my mother passed away. However, it appears, you and I have uncovered a root.
I never intended this blog to go in this direction but I had a small anxiety issue when I was researching the photo I wanted to do. As I regularly do, the obstacles in my way get blown out of proportion so much I look at them as impossible mountains that I am unable to climb. So, looking at strobe lights and seeing the costs, I started down a usual path of despair, which is also followed by frustration, anger and disappointment. I chose to discuss these emotions with you all in an attempt to reason my way through the issue but now I think I have solved my entire problem with the fear of failure.
To summarize, I had a fear. That fear, which I may not have been conscience of, was a fear of failure. Reason was, I wanted to be useful to others. Why? Because I really wanted to feel that others needed me. It's the reason I try so hard to show I am valuable. It's the reason I must make things perfect. The root of the whole thing though is the fear of abandonment. If I'm useful, people need me, if people need me then I feel like I'm wanted.
Of course we all want to feel wanted and useful but the manifestation of those needs can vary with each person. I just realized too, I'm very defensive when someone else tries to do what I am doing. That's also why I want to work alone most of the time. I don't want to share the spotlight. It's not because my ego needs stroking, I just don't want to feel useless and abandoned.
So yeah, I've gotten to the root and exposed the nerve fully to where it is now exposed. Question now is, what to do with this revelation. Often times for exposed roots I've had in the past, I would confess them and give them over to God. I know this is a huge flaw and it has been with me all my soon to be 50 years so getting rid of it will be my pleasure.
This revelation happened in real time sitting at my desk. I did not edit it, change it or write it over days or hours. All this came to me as I was writing it. This is what I call a Holy Spirit moment when He opens up my eyes and shows me my flaws with a gentle piercing from the sword. This hasn't happened in a while and I couldn't tell you how long ago the last one was but if you are truly wanting change, God will provide you with a discussion between you and Him. He will open your eyes to your flaws and show you the root. The choice is yours though. Roots are painful and deep and they can cause a lot of issues when exposed. Denial, blame, and ability to not except the truth is all there and like a surgeon cutting away a cancer, God carves us deep to remove those things that keep us from Him. This has always been about you and your relationship with God. It's not self help, be the better you guide to better living, this is down to the bone cutting and filleting of junk left over from your old nature that we tend to hold onto.
The first time you have this happen, it is so painful because you see the ugliness of yourself. You see it in disbelief and shock as God shows you your filth through His eyes. When your exposed to your nature with His eyes, let me tell you, it's not pleasant. We are so used to blaming others for our issues that we don't see our own faults. It's the playbook of the enemy, blame others and equit yourself of all wrong doing. So when you get shown your dirt, you blame others for throwing the dirt on you.
After the first painful encounter, the weight that has been lifted and the joy that comes from it outweighs the pain you just went through. So the next encounter causes you to not be so stubborn because you remember the joy on the other side of the pain. The next and the next comes easier. Where am I? This process was a long time coming but it was a pleasure and not at all painful. By this time, I've been so carved up that I'm used to it. I take it, acknowledge it and celebrate it. Then I can't wait for the next one.
One, I'm glad for this to be exposed, I can finally deal and let it be dealt with. Two, it means I can move on to the next thing. That should be our hope, that God continues to deal with us. He loves us and He wants us to be like Him. That is His goal. Step aside and let Him work!
To God be the Glory!
